Molly on the Menu

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I left my last blog entry on a bit of a cliff hanger, not meaning to go two months without posting another blog. 

Life swept me away in its busyness as always, but this time was much different. Over the past few months, I feel like I’ve learned to live again, this time in a way that is most fulfilling to myself. 

I built up much suspense about making decisions for myself in the last post. Unfortunately, the suspense has been killed, and most of the people in my life know by now that I was talking about dropping out of the program I originally came to Barcelona for. Although it may cause some complications for when I return to college this fall, it was the best decision I could’ve possibly made for myself since coming here. 

I’ve heard many people praise the idea of starting over in a new city where nobody knows you. I now understand the true satisfaction of literally nobody knowing who I am. I’ve lived in Cape Girardeau my entire life, which has helped me build a reputation in the small town. I’m never quite sure if my reputation is one that actually represents who I am as a person, and this is an idea I’ve grown to really dislike. 

I’ve realized that I have many reputations. Reputations that were developed in countless different ways. I consider myself to be similar to a chameleon, in all senses of transformation. I feel like each season there is a completely new and different version of myself that evolves. 

The reputation I held with people in high school is of a “fiery girl with too many opinions,” that I now have no recognition of. The reputation I held as a “blue ribbon swimmer” on my competitive swim team is a completely foreign idea. The reputation I held as “the girl with short hair who works at Minglewood” still feels so distant. The reputation of “Missy’s daughter” still holds true and is probably my most efficient reputation so far. 

All of these “ideas” of who Molly is are just observations of myself at very different points in my life. Being across the world in a place where I have no reputation at all is more freeing than I ever could have imagined. It seems intimidating… not knowing anybody. But I’ve found so much comfort in this isolation from familiar faces. 

There is no more extra noise. There is no more distraction. This is the first time in my life where I haven’t been constantly updated on at least some kind of “gossip” or “drama” – that oftentimes has absolutely nothing to do with me. And let me tell you, it is the most refreshing feeling in the world. 

To be able to focus strictly on myself and the things that matter to me in each moment has completely turned my life around. I am beyond happier. I am more aware of my health. I am able to enjoy myself in ways I never have before, without any concern of what others may think. I am able to bask in my alone time. I am able to unplug from the world and have no worries about what I may be missing out on. 

I keep dreading the “return to reality,” but I’ve recently become conscious of the fact that this is the most “real” my life has been for as long as I can remember. While returning home means that I will begin school and work again, it doesn’t mean that I have to be sucked back into the static that surrounds me. I can continue the lifestyle I’ve found here and transform it into a narrative that best suits my life in Cape.

This doesn’t mean I am not excited to be around my friends and family again, but it does mean that I will be much more exclusive with the people I surround myself with. I don’t have room for superficiality anymore. I don’t have time for anything that isn’t going to help guide me to a better version of myself. And most certainly, my threshold for bullshit is at an all time low.

This isn’t a passive aggressive or indirect message towards anyone in my life, but more so a calling for anyone else who has felt obligated to uphold a reputation or a social status in their world. Let that shit go! Watch as the surrounding commotion begins to quiet and settle. Allow yourself to find peace in the simplicity of attention to self.