Molly on the Menu

Life has been crazy, along with my mindset. 

Within the week before leaving for Barcelona, I visited a local shaman for a shamanic healing session. I wanted to gain clarity and courage for the months ahead. 

There are not a lot of things that I wish I would have done differently, but only giving myself a week to process the information that I received during my healing session was a rookie mistake. 

I deeply trust the shaman that worked with me and I do not doubt her abilities, but I was not prepared to take on much of the information that I did. I believe in personal healing through connecting to spirit or soul, which for me means tapping into my own intuition and subconscious through meditation and other forms of self-healing. 

I went into this experience expecting my shaman to “give me all the answers.” I soon found out that she was giving me the questions, and I was the one who had to find the answers within myself. 

I found out that I may not have been following my highest path on the upcoming journey. This caused me to question myself. I was thinking “what am I doing?” rather than sitting with myself and asking “why am I doing this?” 

After my healing session, I drove out to the national forest nearby and found a trail. I left my phone in the car, grabbed my journal and camera, and began walking, not completely sure what I was looking for but knowing that whatever it was, I would find it. 

I found myself sitting on a large rock in the middle of a stream, with a rustic, wooden bridge suspended overhead. I sat with myself for several hours, meditating, writing, looking, breathing, and just being. 

“Why am I doing this?” 

I had many surface thoughts flying through my mind, such as “because you told everyone you were doing this” or “because it proves that you are bigger than your hometown.”

I began to realize that the trip had manifested into something that felt more like a trip for others. It felt like I was taking this trip to prove something to others. To supply a place of travel to others. To create content for others. 

Once the chatter settled, and I found comfort in the silence, one word continued to cycle through my mind.

Freedom.

I have felt freedom before. But not the kind of freedom that I deeply craved. 

I was neglecting the part of myself that needed freedom to be whoever and do whatever without a preconceived idea of “Molly.”

I have lived in the same town my entire life. I know the town like the back of my hand, and vice versa. I know 80% of the population, and they know me. I have established an identity in my hometown. 

I wanted to trash all of that. I wanted to start over, to allow myself to truly develop. I’ve experienced many transformations of self throughout the past few years, but this time will be different. 

This time there will be no expectations.

How could there be? I didn’t know what to expect at all. I knew the name of my street and school, and that was it. 

During my meditation, I realized that I need to be taking this trip completely for myself. I am a people pleaser, and it’s something that I struggle with a lot. I don’t like letting people down. But with that, I’ve begun to let myself down by limiting myself to please others. 

Sometimes I need reassurance, but the universe never fails when I need her most. Opening my eyes from meditation and seeing an indentation in the rock directly in front of me, I knew that I had found the answer I was seeking.

 An eagle with wings spread in flight. A symbol of true freedom.